Constant Change

Set the dreamer in me adrift, I don't plan to come down anytime soon.

2012-01-16T18:05:00.002Z

I do not know what I'm feeling. I'm all choked up with emotions and I cannot piece them all in words. Is it possible to feel numb and for there to be a fire burning inside you at the same time? I do not know, I am beyond the ability to comprehend right now. It's like being given a dose of anaesthesia before having acid splashed on you. You may well call that torture. I think I'd very much like to see it as rude awakening. The excruciating pain throbs. Yet somewhere within pleasure sparked. I have spiralled so low, that speck of light above me is fast fading into a non-existent dot. We believe that we could change ourselves, our past be undone. Pooh, what naivety.

It was never your fault. The fault was all mine. Mine for falling. Mine for believing. Mine in messing it up. At the end of it all, if I am to be doused with the harsh truth, I only have myself to blame for habouring such intense emotions, for salvaging whatever's left of the embers from the flickering fire, for willing hope to pump though my veins and revive this almost wasted organ concealed behind my left ribcage. If one day, I am to look up with feigned happiness and wish you well, I hold no right to curse you inwardly. If one day I am to take the blows and suffer the bruises, and nurse the wound that will never heal, am I at liberty to beg on my knees for the same to befall you? The freedom to do so would be within reach if you were mine for the taking from the beginning. Oh, to realize finally that I have been cheated so cunningly by none other than my own conscience. The knife that pierces draws most blood when it comes from your own hand, does it not?

The winter is cold. Bitter. The chill lasts to the bone. Yet December is long gone. Sigh...

The flames flicker. Indescribable, indestructible, unwavering, immense, colossal, incredible. They all translate to one emotion; it's too big for my body to hold. It stretches out away from me, floating into the evening sky and up into the starlit heavens. I will find the answer within me someday, for now I let it go. I still have time to falter. There will be no relinquishing on my part, I refuse to surrender.

Don't forgo. Take heart.
Don't forgo. Take heart.
Don't forgo. Take heart.

Surfacing

2012-01-16T16:46:00.002Z

I clawed my way back.

Now bit by bit, you're killing me.
Welcome to my abyss.

Faux O

2012-01-10T22:39:00.001Z

I lay there on the bed; not on my side, but on my back.
Moonlight flitted through a slit in the curtains. It played across my midriff.
A solitary tear rolled down the side of my face, trailing all the way to the soft pillow, which absorbed its salty contents.

I was seconds away from losing myself, but you walked away.
I still can't figure out if it's something I should regret, or something I ought to be thankful for.
Why do I care? It was ages ago.

Thinking back... I doubt it was all ever fake for me.
Somewhere beneath all those buried emotions, there was something real.
Something that was enough for me to want to be engulf by vulnerability, and for it to be swept away.

Just carry me home tonight.

2011-12-30T05:00:00.003Z

I don't know how to deal with this pain.

You're something like my form of lifeline.
You smelled like home.
You're still my desktop background.

Today I saw posters of goldens in one of the shops in the city, and I had to avert my eyes.
8 years is much too soon.

I still want to kiss you.
To be able to give your coat a good brush.
To have you splatter water and soap suds all over me after I finish lathering you up.
To hear your paws clicking on the staircase as you come up the stairs and your tail thumping outside my bedroom door, demanding to be let in during a thunderstorm.
To have you huddled up next to me on the bed after I had a nightmare.
In my mind I see you running along the beach, tongue hanging out in ecstatic joy, panting away as you sniff inquisitively at everything.

This sea of memories is just too much to take in right now.

You took a piece of my heart when you clambered over to me in 2003 and had it with you since.
Guard it loyally and fiercely, will you? For it will always be yours.
For every bad day that I've told you about, for all the times I've sat beside you in tears, for those times I've ran and hugged you in joy, for those times I've yelled at you to shut the hell up when you're barking at monkeys, for the times I've barked alongside you in good fun, for the rare moments when you would touch your nose to mine when I'm talking to you, those times when you would sit and beg me with those lovely gorgeous eyes of yours for food, I've loved you. I continue to do so even now.

My precious, darling, baby boy. I have never given my heart so much and so freely to someone that I couldn't stand losing. I would give anything, absolutely everything, to have one more day with you. One last opportunity to hold you, to whisper in your ears my dreams, and hopes, and sorrows.

You always take away any sadness I feel. Any aches, and pains.
I won't have that starting from now, but I am so glad that I always had that privilege.

You have always been my baby, even after you ceased being a puppy.
This love for you will never fade. You saw me through my toughest teenage years, and was there for me with every wag of your tail. I will miss your absence so, so very much. I hope you know that in your little puppy heart wherever you are.

I know it takes time for a cracked heart to heal, but for tonight, I'll sleep with a broken heart.

Sogno

2011-11-07T16:58:00.001Z

Yes.

The answer is yes.
Forever yes. And always will be.
In whatever season, age, or place; yes, indefinitely.

If you ever ask,
You know I'll be yours.

fucking spectacular

2011-11-04T05:08:00.001Z

Jamie Foxx's voice so smooth it's akin to dripping honey.
No idea why it made me think of single malt whiskey on ice against my tongue, swirling around in my mouth, gliding down my esophagus, lubricating my throat and quenching my thirst in the most satisfying manner possible.

I'm so addicted to this song, I could get drunk on it.

I pimp my nights up by grooving to my ipod with my headphones on at full blast.

2011-11-02T04:19:00.001Z

Fuck you, Mark Zuckerberg.

I used to think it's my endless seminars and all the reading I have to do that's holding me back from crawling into bed, dead beat and exhausted at the end of the day, and staying there for good till the sun makes a full turn and show its face again.
Tonight I was hit with a revelation.
It's Facebook that's causing the worsening condition of my eye bags.

Hence the profanity directed at the founder of it.

Spell check just autocorrect facebook to Facebook. I googled it.
Damn Zuckerberg, you good. Not only have you made stalking a social thing, you've also integrated Facebook into the English Dictionary.

Grenade is such a stupid song. Catchy, but retarded.
Who the hell would want to take a bullet straight to the brain for someone who wouldn't do the same?!

Now Wet featuring Snoop Dogg by David Guetta isn't half as bad.
Fine, sleazy lyrics, but at least it makes sense.
I mean, c'mon, you would want to be able to make a girl wet, wouldn't you?
You'd be a failure if you can't. cocks head, stops for a beat. Alright I'm joking, there's more to life than meaningless sex.

There should be a flow to this, but at this point, I really don't give a rat's ass about it.

Sigh, interim injunctions, why can't you just type yourself out on my mac.

9ºC

2011-10-25T20:03:00.000+01:00

That's how cold it is outside.
Inside it's colder still.

Apparently after drinking for many days you just can't stop the next day.
It's bound to make you depressed.
It's like coming down from a high to hit an all time low.

Let's just get straight to the point.
I just don't want to be alone tonight.

Being impersonal will come back to bite me one day...

2011-09-10T22:25:00.000+01:00

Once again, John Mayer's Edge of Desire is on repeat, prompting me into restful slumber.

Or could it be restless slumber?

I don't know, the line is blurred by my own thoughts and my drooping eyelids.

...what's to say it hasn't already?

Back to you

2011-09-09T21:26:00.002+01:00

One thing I've learnt, it's always better off when you do not have any worries whatsoever.
Whether it be a form of insecurity, rejection, or distraction.

So pick me, my leap of faith.

2011-09-01T20:23:00.000+01:00

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away."

Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is.

Having someone in your life all the time, more trouble than it's worth.

2011-07-07T22:14:00.001+01:00

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I love someone, and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love, and then you don't have it? What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shaped your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever."

Gah, I'm so melodramatic.

Now that my light is shining bright, I'd like to see you snuff my worth out.

2011-06-25T22:14:00.000+01:00

Today, at around 1 am inside a club with B.E.P blasting from the sound system, while sipping grey goose, I realized law was the correct choice all along, and it finally hit me that I will be graduating this year end.
So God pointed me in this direction, my parents gave me a huge shove towards it, and I had to struggle throughout the entire path set out for me, and I am nearing the end of this road.
Or maybe it's just the start of the actual road.
Got my final year results, got my IELTS, got my Bar, got my Inn.
I finally feel like I am living out my dream.

But am I right where I should be?
Why do I still feel so incomplete?

Bipolar

2011-06-20T20:09:00.000+01:00

I swear, the voices in my head are getting way too loud for my liking.
If I can get into my own head and strangle each and every single one of them, I would.
I'm not pms-ing, but I'm in an extremely irritable mood.
Seconds ago I was feeling fine!

What the hell, just shut up already.

Cautioner

2011-06-15T07:39:00.000+01:00

That should have been me.

But no, oh no, once again I have to ignore my head and give in to my reckless impulsion.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
WHY DOES THAT SOUND SO FAMILIAR?!

All I want is for you to put yourself in my shoes and try to see things from my point of view.

Endlessly

2011-06-12T21:37:00.000+01:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

If only I've stuck to Your plans for me.
Perhaps then all would be lovely and nothing would hurt.
Oh well, I've dug my grave. Now I have to lie in it.
And hopefully not rot.

Why does it feel like we're slow dancing in a burning room?

2011-06-10T20:31:00.000+01:00

Am considering watching Jerry Maguire again at this time.
But shouldn't, given the fact that I have my IELTs test in 4 hours' time.

Feels good to be home.
Felt the best when my dog almost bowled my over with his enthusiastic wagging of tail.
Ah, contentment when I got home and he ran circles around me, and then stop and bump his nose gently against my leg.
Poor thing got so thin over the 3 weeks because he was down with a viral cough.
I've missed you so, Ares.
Next up, bringing him to the beach once he gets better!

Is this for the best?
I have no bloody idea.

Endlessly

2011-06-06T04:35:00.000+01:00

God, I know You do not work with bargains, and certainly not on a whim.
But I could really use a miracle right now.

273

2011-05-23T20:01:00.000+01:00

Had my last exam today.
*inserts maniacal laughter*

Red bull, I'm never going to need you ever again!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Crap, laughter was cut short by the thought that I may still fail my EU paper.

Sigh, such is life...

I need to inject some colour into my wardrobe...

2011-05-22T18:14:00.000+01:00

I need to get myself some boyshorts.
Colourful ones!

Alright, how about this.

2011-05-22T18:02:00.000+01:00

I thought you are always the person I thought you are, or could be.
I thought you would be the decent kind of guy.
I thought you would at least show some fucking respect.
I thought we had quite a connection with our sarcastic exchange of words.
I thought it would be worth it, giving a damn about the friendship and not caring what he thinks.
Or fighting with him over it, for that matter.
I thought I had it in me to forget, and forgive.
But was the forgiveness aimed for myself or for you? Beats me.

I thought wrong.

Fuck you, I wish you could have proven me wrong, even for some of those things.

77...

2011-05-20T19:48:00.000+01:00

... is the number of plays of Maroon 5's Just A Feeling on my iTunes.

All I wanna do right now is curl up in bed and watch Grey's Anatomy.

Happy birthday, you're a year older!
Screwed up my EU paper, sigh. Will not think about that, for now.
All in all, I'm pretty happy.
The people who matters most are the ones who are there at the stroke of midnight.
Am pretty glad that they're all the right ones.

Ah, sleepytime!

just a feeling

2011-05-18T23:39:00.000+01:00

She cries, this is more than goodbye.
When I look into your eyes, you're not even there.

32mg/100ml

2011-05-16T17:50:00.000+01:00

I thought Dev will help me get through my first paper.
She didn't.
Relentless did.

Chocolate fudge brownie is the best post-exam food everrrr

Will crash now. Next paper is in 38 hours.

Literature is my Utopia

2011-05-12T07:21:00.000+01:00

That boy has the sweetest tongue ever.
Guys like you make history.

I go to the cinemas for the trailers, because I love having just sneak peeks and be left anticipating more.
Maybe this time I'll go for the movie instead.
Who knows, my dystopia could now become my utopia.

Cardboard Food.

2011-05-09T22:37:00.000+01:00

I am having very bad cravings for Malaysian food right now.
Perhaps writing it down might help.
It has been going around my head since noon.
Ahhhh, all the food....

Oh, what's for dinner?
Lasagne.
Even the fat whiny bitch in my head hates it.

On a side note, I know you are already taking my niceness for granted.
But no matter, cause I'm just bidding my time.
The day it comes back to bite you in the butt I'll be the one with the last laugh.

You think I'm weak, I'm gonna prove you wrong.

2011-05-09T06:14:00.005+01:00

Begone, Family Law essay!!
Now let the real torture begin...
EU Law, bring it on!

There's a little bit of something in me, in everything in you.

Spoon-feed me, spoon-feed me!

2011-05-07T18:32:00.001+01:00

Dear Dr. Schiek,

I noticed in the FAQ section for EU Law that it says that there will be 3 problem questions in bloc A and 2 essay questions in bloc B. Does this mean all 5 questions are straightforward essay type and problem based questions? Or are they mixed? If so, I would just like to ask which section will questions which contain part problem and part essay fall under for this May exam? Will they fall under bloc A or bloc B? Thank you so much.

Best regards,

xxxxxx

Dear xxxxxx,

There will be no mix between problem questions and essay type questions. As it says in the FAQ section, there will be three problem questions (all in bloc A) and 2 essay type questions (in bloc B). Is this clear?

Best,

Dagmar.

Dear Dr. Schiek,

There is still some uncertainty for me as after attending the last seminar, I was of the understanding that certain chapters would come out as a part problem part essay question. Can I ask if for the essay or problem questions there might be a mix of topics or are all 5 straightforward questions based on a singular topic? I find this very confusing in my preparation for the exam. Thank you so much.

Best regards,

xxxxxx

Dear xxxxxx,

Who conducted your last seminar, if I may ask? I think you are confusing two issues. One, topic covered in different parts of the module may be combined in one question. Two, there are essay questions and problem questions. There will be no combination of essay and problem. Is this clearer? I am struggling to be more precise without telling you the exam questions, which of course would be a little unfair...

Best,

Dagmar

Dear Dr Schiek,

Huh?

Best regards,

xxxxxx

The lengths I go just to get something out of this evil module...

For truth, for love, for my desire...

2011-05-07T03:28:00.001+01:00

Love, love, love, absolutely adore this song.
... you need to end my quest for our fire.

Wattage

2011-05-06T06:16:00.002+01:00

Different year, same thing.

How do you sleep, knowing you tear me up each time?

Sometimes I wonder if what I'm holding on to is the illusion of us.

And whether the reality could be much better.

Or if it will be my personal nightmare.

Powww

2011-05-06T05:16:00.000+01:00

Family Law Act 1996.

Matrimonial Homes Act 1983.

The Domestic Violence and Matrimonial Proceedings Act 1976.

Domestic Proceedings and Magistrates' Court Act 1978.

Domestic Violence, Crimes and Victims Act 2004.

Protection from Harassment Act 1997.

Mike Posner will get me through this, just like how Foo Fighters got me through my dissertation.

Or perhaps I should take Bruno Mars and I'll get some magic in me and my essay will turn into gold.

Or maybe Pitbull and Akon, so I can shut this essay down!

Nicki Minaj can help me zap this essay out my system.

Rihanna can definitely help me out in the laws regulating domestic violence.

Alexandra Burke is right with saying all night long, sheesh.

Okay, Jessie J, I'll do this essay like a dude.

Yeah yeah yeah, Chris, whatever. You could lend a hand on this topic too.

Lord Scarman, your judgment on Richards v Richards is driving me krazy.

Perfect timing for S&M to come on!!

Ugh, family law, suckerpunch my lights out why don't you!

Tempest

2011-05-05T01:09:00.001+01:00

It's driving me mad, the thought of June.

你选择留，我选择走

2011-05-03T21:54:00.002+01:00

I got a lesson in identifying mandarin characters from a punjabi guy.
Also gave me a bunch of chinese songs.
All of which I'm having trouble understanding, even with reading the lyrics from the net.
Felt such shame for having lousy chinese.
I shall now try to blog in chinese.

我只能用容易的华语来写这一句...

I give up.
Will spend my summer holidays reading the chinese newspaper so I do not become totally illiterate when it comes to my mother tongue.
I even had to use Google translate at some point to ensure the words I used are correct. Fml.

Oh, but the songs do make you feel pretty emotional.

Nigga don't hate

2011-05-03T11:00:00.001+01:00

Final word count: 12281!!

Here's to ho ho hoping that I actually score good on my dissertation.

If I did, I'm set.

If not, well I'm fucked.

Strangely Dave Grohl's voice is resuming his initial sexiness.

Okay now to hit that 1800 word essay on Domestic Violence.

I have not been sleeping since I woke up on Sunday night.

I need another shot of caffeine for this :(

Footnote this.

2011-05-03T07:37:00.008+01:00

Referencing, I hate you.

My dissertation word count stands at 12225.

It will be increasing once I read through my entire dissertation for the fourth time.

Nothing quite like reading 26 pages of crap you wrote in 6 days.

Number of plays of Everlong by Foo Fighters: 125.

So tired of hearing Dave Grohl's voice now.

I've run out of caffeine.

Depending on sheer 'I want to get this module out of my way as soon as possible' thoughts in my head to go on.

Aaaarrghhhh.

After this, I will hibernate for one whole day.

And then wake up and start on my Family Law essay.

1800 words. Easy piece of cake!

Not gonna stop me from lamenting about it though.

May day.

2011-05-01T08:02:00.002+01:00

First post since 2010. Quite a bit has changed since then. But yet it still feels the same. My most uttered sentence for 2011 is this: "What's the point?" Ah well... I could get used to doing this again.

I just got to say this..

2010-11-03T20:52:00.001Z

Bruce Willis has got to be the hottest, sexiest man on screen.

White noise.

2010-10-27T05:50:00.001+01:00

I don't know where we're going.

I don't know who we are.

Maybe it's cause I like the way it hurts.

2010-10-18T03:33:00.004+01:00

I wonder why all females just can't get enough of 'love the way you lie'.

We fall back into the same patterns, the same routines.

Next time you should just look me in the eyeball and tell me it's all my fault.

Sober.

2010-10-10T05:42:00.004+01:00

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and

Wait on your porch till you come back home

Oh right,

I can't find a flight.

I've finally reached the conclusion that I'm bloody depressed.

Sugar ray says

I'd like to buy the world another shot of laughter

And buy my friends another drink.

Well, I'd rather buy the world drinks and ask my friends to get me a shot of laughter.

I've also gone back to my nocturnal patterns.

Oh, why don't you give yourself a pat on the back Jamie, you seem to succeed damn well at that.

I can't find a flight, but if I can, will you be here with me tonight?

2010-10-01T01:31:00.005+01:00

All you need is love is a lie cause We had love but we still said goodbye Now we're tired, battered fighters

I was on that plane a week ago, leaving my island.

And there I was, 23 hours later, gazing down at so much green I swear my heart lit up.

But I thought to myself at that moment, "How fragile lives can be. And how short."

It confused me, how I can be so happy to be heading towards another part of my life, and yet dread it so much.

I don't know if I'm happy here.

I don't know if I'm depressed.

I think I'm still going by each day trying to fill it up so I don't think too much.

And it stings when it's nobody's fault Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name It's only the air you took and the breath you left

It's cold. I'm in my PJs.

My feet are bundled up in woollen socks.

Now and then small shivers go up my spine.

And I know it was me who called it over but I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day Don't let me get away

Tomorrow will be a rainy day.

Just like any other day here.

It drizzles.

I miss the sun. The heat on my face.

I think it's just a bout of homesickness.

But I doubt I miss home.

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me So I can say this is the way that I used to be There's no substitute for time Or for the sadness Split screen sadness We share the sadness

I know I miss my dog though.

Miss him to bits.

Every single time I step through my room door and he's not there with his tail wagging, it hits me.

I miss running my fingers through his coat, scratching behind his ears, and touching my nose to his.

So I'll check the weather wherever you are Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight It might be my only right

I love this song.

Always has.

Weird how the songs that used to get me down, now helped get me through the day.

slipped away

2010-08-22T19:01:00.003+01:00

I should be male.

It'll be so much more easier.

I know I'm insensitive, it's inherent.

Maybe I don't go around doing things the way you like it, but at least I try my best to live up to it.

And I know you don't mean to blurt things out the way you do, but I don't blame you.

I may have short bursts of anger here and there, but I'm human.

And well yes, I can be oversensitive at times, so yes, it's my fault.

I am sorry.

I don't talk about my feelings because I just don't.

Maybe it's all those years of bottling everything up, I don't know.

And it gets harder with each passing year as I grow older.

So yes, for that I am sorry too.

Erosion

2010-08-15T17:40:00.002+01:00

I'm just tired of having no one to look up to.

It's hard to forgive when I'm this bitter.

And I miss you.

Even more so, I hate the fact that I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, raindrops keep falling on my head!

2010-08-13T21:28:00.003+01:00

Watched The Expendables today.

I have deduce thus much that I am not a movie critic and never will be.

Since I like every single movie I've sat through and can't shut up about it.

Jason Statham has the hotness of Bruce Willis.

Got back, gulp down my clarinase with my redoxon (I love the bubbling fizzy effect, I really do) and proceed to suck on my dequadin.

I want to clawwww my throat out.

And carve out my nose.

If I'm not well by the 19th, I will take extreme measures and drink one entire bottle of cough syrup.

Doubt that will help, though!!!

Today is not an emotional day.

I don't look forward to menopause.

Oh, this song is gooooood.

2010-08-12T18:27:00.003+01:00

"So why rock a boat and make waves, and everything's coming okay. So why am I confused if you love me, I thought this would be smooth sailing."

Why do I always get the constant feeling that I'm not good enough?

I sometimes wonder if it's a self-esteem problem.

But that cannot be the case.

I've got tons of self-esteem to last me and my reincarnation self and my next reincarnation too.

Does it always have to be like this?

To fall, get so deep, be attached, and then feel this way?

I've got nothing to offer.

Nothing except my opinions, my imaginations, my dreams, my pigheadedness, my cluelessness, and my occasional OCD anal attitude.

What possibly then, can tempt you to stay.

I guess my worse fear is true; I fear abandonment, not commitment.

Guess that's why I throw before I could be thrown.

Nobody said this is going to be easy.

I never said it will be.

It will be hard.

Because inherently, I fight people who love me.

I sometimes wish I'm alone.

So this fear won't bother me so much.

So I can be.

And happily so, too.

Today has been an emotional day.

Why, pms, why do you do this to me?

Ugh.

This is still a good song though.

Goodbye Year Two!

2010-08-08T19:46:00.005+01:00

Thank you God!

Passing all my subjects and no resits and now Leeds.

Life is looking so good!

2010-07-30T01:52:00.001+01:00

Oh, I'm just better off alone.

I got rejecteddddddd

2010-07-27T20:31:00.002+01:00

Bye bye, University of Liverpool.

I knew 60% was not in my grasp.

Perhaps I really should have put in more effort.

Too late for that, much too late.

wth

2010-07-15T10:21:00.003+01:00

Imbeciles.

Cunts.

Despicable people.

Incompetent asses.

Slow staff.

Pea sized brains.

Kuta....

Okay, forgive me for the vulgarities.

I waited 3 weeks for my results and now you tell me it's been delayed?!??!

IS THIS HOW A UNIVERSITY IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!

Gah. I'm just very riled up.

So now I have to wait one more week.

WHY THANK YOU, ONE MORE WEEK LEFT TO STUDY FOR RESITS.

Burn.

2010-07-14T11:01:00.001+01:00

"Two things in life hurts very much, one is when someone loves you but does not tell you, the other is when someone does not love you but tells you."

So teach me how to fall to my knees, how to bow to Your plan.

2010-07-12T21:23:00.005+01:00

It's late. I am indeed a nocturnal person.

Iniesta made a lot of Holland supporters cry yesterday, I think.

I didn't cry. *snicker*

And I love love love Gerard Pique. He's my favourite monkey ;)

Thoughts are flickering through my mind at a rapid pace as I sit here in a baby blue tee and comfortable cotton hipster underwear. Hipsters are the best when worn to sleep, I think. I don't mind thongs, but that's only reserved for occasions. Boyshorts are usually worn when I'm planning to do sports or lots of walking. Lycra ones are best when you don't want visible panty lines. Lace, well, lace is subjective. Then there are those mesh ones that look slightly kinky. Or those with little ribbons and frills at the edges that I rarely put on, only when I'm feeling extremely girlish. Yes, some of my thoughts are on panties. I bought five for the price of eighty-nine over at La Senza a few days ago and still feel like purchasing some more. I'm obsessed with undergarments.

I'm waiting for the nail polish on my toe nails to dry.

I've ran out of colours to paint them.

It was bronze a few days ago, and I love how it matches with my Birkenstocks, but then I went for that barbecue at the beach with the guys and the sand scraped the edges off and now I have to repaint them.

It is now a nice shade of coral pink. Just that now it won't match with the Birkenstocks. Though it might just fit well with the brown Aldo sandals that I have.

I sound so vain.

Oh, just allow me a moment to indulge myself with my vanity.

I feel like taking a bus down to KL.

Or purchasing an 'open' flight ticket.

I may be homey person, but I dislike being cooped up at home. It's stifling, and I feel so restless if I stay at home for too long. I would so love to have a job that requires that I travel. But if I have to build a family with my spouse... well, that can be put on hold, I think. And that means building a family, not my career.

Results will be out in 3 days.

Please pass, please pass, please pass, please let it be passes.

I saw this Marc Jacobs shorts in Pavilion the other day when I was down at KL for just a day.

My first instinct was to plop it down at the counter and tell the lady "I'll get it!"

But it was for sale at 30 percent discount with a price tag that states eight hundred and ninety bucks.

It made my legs look like I have been doing hardcore quads workouts for the past seven months and I have been swimming my entire life.

But the other voice in my head told me it's all psychological and I'm just deluding myself because it was lust at first sight for me with the fine detailing at the hem and the gold buttons.

I still am lusting over that pair of shorts.

That's how potent Marc Jacobs can be.

I also saw this Mont Blanc belt......

That belt would cause me to want to undress a man just so I can lay my hands on it and have an close-up view of it.

I am sitting here and hey, I haven't read my Bible in a while.

I haven't prayed in quite some time too.

I have given thanks before I eat though.

Lord, help me fix my eyes on You once again.

For I feel like I'm losing my faith.

Church on Sunday was peaceful. But I felt so troubled within.

"For in this sanctuary, God is here."

And He was, just that I was too far away to really feel Him this time. And that is on me, because I chose to neglect my relationship with my God.

I miss serving.

I miss those jamming sessions.

I miss knowing that He approves of what I'm doing, I really do.

And I'm starting to forget how all of that feels.

I must admit, it scares me.

I don't know how to stop.

Zeta Geminorum

2010-07-08T20:23:00.003+01:00

Got this off lelove. Got this post off this link.

The ways she dumped were different each day. On Fridays I was her basketball, fiercely smashed into the ground, just to shoot right back into her arms. Or a boomerang she would throw as far as she could, so she always knew I would come back. On Saturdays she would ask me to sit down, look me in the eyes and say with a deep sigh that there just wasn't a future for us. That we were too different. It's not you it's me, or rather, it's not you or me, it's us. And on Sundays she cried, hungover on my bed, sobbing that she wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved someone better. And then there was the quiet day on Monday, when I took a time-out from our relationship and had a beer with my working mates and she would be at work, or at her place, wondering why I didn't call her. Then on Tuesdays things would be alright again. That's why I knew it was really over when she dumped me on a Tuesday. On Tuesdays she was normally normal. She was my sweet, laid back girl that would answer her phone and talk about her day when I called her. My best friend who would come over and watch TV and bring some snacks. That's why I loved her, her million different characters never failed to interest me. But now she was talking to me on the other side of the line in a thin, shaky voice, no tears, no swearing, just the words we can't go on like this, I'm sorry. And I felt like an idiot for not seeing it earlier. The rows, the tantrums, the tears, the swearing. But I had kept telling myself that this was what our relationship was supposed to be like, that we were supposed to be different to everybody else. Because she was different! She wasn't like anyone I had ever met before. So I had to sit down. And as I buried my face in the palms of my hands I started to think about her. I thought about how I could never really figure her out, because at times she would lock her self up in her own little world, one I could never get access to. We could have been to the cinema and seen a film of her choice, and it could have been a sad one, or a fairy-tale with a beautiful ending. And she would be somewhere totally different when we left the picture house. She would still be in the movie, suffering together with the people in it, or with the shiny, happy people; the ones who got each other in the end, just enjoying the bliss, while I was back in reality, walking next to her on the rain soaked pavement. If some people have addictive personalities, she had a mesmerized personality. Plays, concerts, sometimes art, could just swash her off her feet and she lost all contact with the outer world and I lost all contact with her. I could sometimes find this mesmerization amusing, interesting, but lately it had got me feeling more and more left out. I found myself standing on the side of her snow bubble, knocking on the glass. And I thought about her devotion to the music, her films, her books, her world , the crying, the mind games, the helplessness, the days she would be a blank battery, the days I would be a basketball. And I heard my friends voice. "She needs help." Did she? Or would someone's help be the end of her the way I knew her? Was she broken and needed mending, or were everybody else just a little bit less alive? And I thought about life before her, how my world used to be, what I used to be in to, what I used to think mattered. And I thought about how life would be after her. And my thoughts ran to how she made me see things from a different point of view, how I sometimes managed to see through the key hole to her galaxy, how tea tasted better when she sat opposite the dinner table telling me one of her stories, how times with her I then thought of as bad actually now seemed better than anything else I could ever see in the future without her. And my thoughts ran to her collar bones, her birthmarks, her ankles, her breasts, her belly button, the smell of her hair under the duvet and I though that I loved her, and I had to stand up, and I had to sit down again and I had to bring the telephone up to my ear only to put it down again, and I waited with my heart longing, impatiently, for Tuesday.

I wonder at times if I do indeed believe in zodiac signs.

It feels silly, and at times it IS silly, but they DO hit the nail on the head quite often.

Often enough for me to doubt my disbelief.

Is my personality really THAT changeable???!

I.don't.think.so. tsk.

Woohoo!

2010-07-08T20:10:00.002+01:00

Heading down to KL in a few hours' time.

Will be back again in Penang before Saturday!

Well.....if all goes well....hopefully.

I think Friday night's gonna be a good night.

WHY GERMANY WHY?!

2010-07-07T21:40:00.004+01:00

Slept in today till 6pm.

Life is good after finals!

All I do is sleep, eat, drink, eat, and sleeeeeep. My oh my, look at that huge smile on my face.

So today, I gobble down my dinner in a hurry cause dad was having some friends over and wanted me out of the way. Head over to Gspot to meet up with some friends. Abigail's necklace is still in my head. Alan will make a good doctor, probably cause he'll make his patients laugh. Ben should stop eating raw eggs cause he is now buffer than I am and will without doubt kick my sorry ass in tennis. Wei Jin asked me some very interesting questions about my life in KL (I'm not surprised, already expected that anyway, some people just can't keep their damn mouths shut.) Went over to Abby's after that and shared some laughs over lame jokes. I left soon after for Batu Ferringhi. Sixtynine by the beach wasn't too bad. Had a beer together with Daniel and Jason while we wait for the match to start. Decided 5 minutes before the game started that it was too noisy to watch it, and left for Subaidah. Subaidah was too packed, so we went to Kapitan. Sat through the first half of the game and decided that it was too boring so now here I am, sitting on my ass in my room typing this out.

The company could be better if it was a trio instead of a duo. Come back!!

I just read through what I wrote, and I sound like I'm giving a report of my daily doings......

I think I'm just busy skyping, that's why...

There it goes.

2010-07-04T19:47:00.002+01:00

So are you happy now?

Boy meets girl

2010-07-02T21:00:00.002+01:00

500 days of summer is perfect for late night viewing.

I don't get why people think it's a boring movie.

It's awesome. Bloody awesome!

Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright.

2010-06-22T17:37:00.001+01:00

For I'm all out of tears.

Damnit, with every year that passed me by I seem to be crying more and more.

ctrl+alt+delete

2010-06-20T20:09:00.003+01:00

Who the hell do you take me for?

ARGH LIKE REALLY, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST REEL ME IN ANYTIME YOU WANT TO?

So she's met your mum. That's something you failed to mention in our conversations.

Actually, you failed to mention that there's even a she in the first place.

What pisses me off the most is the fact that I want to erase, but I can't.

All you want is just someone to fall back on.

Well, good luck finding another.

I don't want you to be the person I can never get over.

I'm better than this.

I deserve better.

I feel like gulping down ice cold beer, right now.

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.

2010-06-18T16:53:00.012+01:00

Honestly tell me, what do you want?

Me, or the thought of me?

I've finally kept everything away.

Your letters.

Your little tokens.

Your notes.

Presents.

Your shirt.

Photos.

Even that little plane I take everywhere, especially when I'm going on a trip because I feel you're closer to me that way.

You gave up on me.

I finally did the same.

You alone know how much it took for me to do that.

I'm done with looking back.

So please don't do what you're doing.

Because right now, you're breaking my heart.

You have no idea how many nights I've spent lying awake on my bed wishing you'd come back.

I need a novel.

2010-06-15T05:09:00.003+01:00

So now my friends are on their way to Genting to have a jolly good time and I'm here in Penang watching my dog rip apart a towel.

I'll be heading to the hospital later for my checkup. I hate how a hospital smells at times. The antibiotics are just so heavy in the air.

Heading back down again on Thursday!

....

2010-06-12T14:20:00.001+01:00

Some people can be so bloody insensitive at times.

I'll be a scar now.

2010-06-11T12:36:00.002+01:00

I'll try to be all that you need me to be.

Mark: I'm still in love with you.

Lexie: Mark... I have a boyfriend.

Mark: I know. I'm saying you could have a husband.

Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though, of wanting to be happy, that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognized ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were. Until eventually it hits us. It's been there all along. Not in our dreams or hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.

Right now I feel like Summer Finn.

2010-06-10T10:00:00.006+01:00

It found me to hold me But I don't like it at all Won't feed it, Won't grow it It's folded in my stomach; It's not fair, I found love; It made me say that. Get back, You'll never see daylight; If I'm not strong it just might. All I need is a bitter song To make me better Much better All I need to write is a bitter song To make me better I feel better I feel better.

Butterfly Boucher - A Bitter Song.

I love her voice.

So I'm struggling against myself.

And possibly what I feel.

Gonna head to bed.

I AM SO NOCTURNAL.

Hopefully be up by nine so I can start on Tort.

One more round of torture.

Hah, bring it!

I could just be a ping pong ball.

2010-06-10T09:25:00.004+01:00

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away?

That'd be just like loving me.

I am feeling detached.

I think I might just be opening up too soon, too much.

I have this strong urge to retreat into my shell, but I'm fighting it.

It's taking all of my control.

Am I predictable, or am I unpredictable?

I've yet to find out, really.

In my mind, I'm steady and sure, and pretty much a routine person.

But I get restless if I stay around one place for too long.

And my moods fluctuate so much.

Oh, fuck it, I'm tired of trying to figure myself out.

Or what I'm feeling.

Let's see.... Tomorrow's the last day of my exam!

Bullshitted my way through legal practice, I hope she buys my crap.

If not, I'll be looking at three resit papers in August.

Who cares, World Cup starts tomorrow, and I'll be having so much fun sleeping!

2 down!

2010-06-08T10:02:00.003+01:00

I need some distraction.

Oh, beautiful release.

Today in the exam hall, in the middle of my second question, at the 8th page of my exam booklet, one hour and fifty minutes after I whipped up my pen and started scribbling furiously, I paused and thought to myself, "Jamie, why the hell aren't you ambidextrous."

Double espresso shots work wonders when you don't sleep at all.

Took that before going in to kick Evidence's ass, and blanked out (AGAIN) when I reach the last question. Mixed up all the cases for primary and secondary evidence for documentary evidence. Also, mixed up statutes when the statute book was right in front of me for easy reference.

Real smart, staying up all night and all morning to memorize three essays and one problem question.

I'm spoiling my body with all the red bull and caffeine intake.

Oh yes, left my jacket (which was a gift from a very good primary school friend) in the exam hall yesterday. Haven't got it back yet because no one handed it in to the office. That jacket was comfy.

Am now going to sleep for three hours before starting on Company.

If I think Land and Evidence is bad, Company is going to rape me through and through.

Got three people to wake me up later on.

I think that should be enough.

I used to need only one phone call to wake up.

Now I need three people to call me continuously.

I can't seem to stop typing......

trying

stop

but

it's

not

working

..........

Typing like that works, apparently.

I'm stopping.

Land paper was shite.

2010-06-07T11:26:00.006+01:00

Title says it all for my first day in the exam hall.

Evidence tomorrow.

Oh, glee.

One day you're gonna lose all your friends.

You already have, anyway.

Did it once, did it again.

Personally, I think you deserve a tight slap.

But I'm not one to judge.

I just can't take your innocent act anymore.

I don't think they can either.

You're lucky this year's coming to an end.

I don't like seeing her like that.

Thought I've made it clear once.

Maybe I should again.

And this time, I'll let my words be blunt.

It's all about how the fabric feels on the skin, me thinks.

2010-06-02T06:14:00.005+01:00

I watched the Roland Garros 2010 yesterday while having my late, late dinner in McD.

Damnnn Roger Federer, you're looking so fine.

He's not all that good looking (I prefer the looks of Marat Safin or Andy Roddick), but there's definitely something about Roger that makes you look twice. I think it's the calves. I love calves. And arms. Actually I just love watching him play tennis. Federer on court is equivalent to Kim Yu-Na on ice. He makes the sport look sexy. I don't blame older women for going crazy when he serves an ace, hits a powerful forehand, executes a perfect backhand slice, or smashes his opponent's ball right back into the court with such masculine grace.

I think I have a weakness for guys in shorts. Those polyester ones with elastic waistbands and internal drawcords. Might be the fact that they look outdoorsy to me.

I love plain coloured T-shirts, think it makes one look honest and upfront.

Collared tees are hot. Polo ones always have the right cut, it seems. But I like the latest colours from Lacoste.

And let's not forget about shirts! It has to do with the buttons down the front, most definitely.

I have a feeling it was Roger Federer who brought on all these thoughts, cause it can't be Lord Denning's judgment or Lord Templeman's... they're boring old sods who I wish with all my might never existed. Law cases can be so maddeningly complex at times.

Sigh, all this talking... I feel like shopping...

I actually should sleep.

Okay, I'll do that now.

I need a smarter brain...

2010-05-30T14:21:00.003+01:00

WHO CARES ABOUT PROTECTION FOR MINORITY SHAREHOLDERS?!?!

WHO CARES?!?!!

I AM SO CRANKY RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BURST OUT LAUGHING OR JUST CRYYYYYYYY.

It's a good thing I have chocolate.

Too long.

2010-05-29T23:34:00.003+01:00

I owe Amanda around a hundred bucks.

I think I love spending.

And since we'll be heading to Starbucks again later on, I'll be owing more.

I think the one in Mont Kiara is better than the one in PBD.

Dratted exams.

I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other people's fingers.

2010-05-29T02:52:00.004+01:00

I have no idea banks do not open on weekends.

I thought banks open on Saturdays?!?!

I finally got my IC back on Thursday, thanks to Ajay Sharma (you're officially my favourite brahmin guy)!!

Tried to get up multiple times on Friday, but it was an epic fail, thanks to the rain and my air-conditioned room. I'd probably need around ten alarm clocks to wake me up successfully. Woke up around 5pm.... I think.

Walked to the bank just an hour ago in a jolly good mood (because I'm finally getting cash!!) and stood there looking at the 'closed' sign. Ever wonder how desperate broke people feel like? That'd be me.

I have in total one buck and twenty cents to last me till Monday.

I'm now a broke loserrrrrr.

I even went through all my jeans pockets in my closet just to see if I have loose change in them....

Gonna head to Starbucks again... with only RM1.20 in my purse...

GOOD MORNING, JAMIE, YOU CAN FEAST ON CEREAL FOR THE WEEKEND.

More and beyond.

2010-05-29T00:21:00.003+01:00

It's not easy for me to say this.

I miss you.

Time, can you please stop for me?

2010-05-28T20:28:00.003+01:00

Bloody ultra vires in company law is driving me up the wall.

Bloody law cases and bloody judgments.

I'm so stressed out right now why do I put myself through all this pain when I could have started studying since day one.

My preparation percentage lies at 30%.

Great, Jamie, just wonderful.

I'm gonna go have a good cry to let it all out and come back to stupid Dignam's Company Law.

THIS IS KILLING ME

2010-05-27T17:04:00.002+01:00

EVERYONE EVERYWHERE IS SAYING EPISODE 23 AND 24 OF GREY'S ANATOMY IS SO SO SO GOOD. IT PUTS THEM ON EDGE AND THEY HOLD THEIR BREATH WATCHING IT NOT KNOWING WHAT IS HAPPENING NEXT I CANNOT TAKE THIS I WANT TO WATCH IT SO BADLY BUT I'M CONTROLLING WITH ALL MY MIGHT BECAUSE WATCHING TWO EPISODES WOULD TAKE UP TWO HOURS OF MY TIME WHEN I COULD BE STUDYING TWO CHAPTERS OF THE LAW OF TORT WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate temptations!!

I've got a heart of glass...

2010-05-26T22:31:00.006+01:00

...and you hold the hammer.

Oh, how easily we trust.

How easily we fall.

Can I finish all this in 10 days?

Why does everyone has such faith in me when I don't?

I know I can, probably.

But the negativity is causing me to sink in so deep I have no way of seeing light.

And I love to sleep. I love to sleep wayyyy tooooo much.

I had chocolate sundae just now.

This guy from Year One was heading over so we asked for a favour and got him to get us food.

Chocolate sundae felt so soooo good.

There was something missing though.

I think having ice cream has become a routine now.

I think if I write down everything that I'm thinking, and portray it as an image, it would not be a straight line.

It would be a line that has abrupt turns and twists.

It would be.... what's the word.... ah yes, zigzagged.

I probably won't be writing on this space for a bit, since I'm boarding up my laptop somewhere....

And hopefully refrain from taking it out...

As long as there aren't any temptations, that is.

10 days!!!!

There goes the 20k my parents paid for if I do not get pass this.

Shit, the guilt.

This isn't settling in well at all....

Nuisance and Occupier's Liability Act, here I come!

Here with me.

2010-05-25T19:02:00.007+01:00

I'm doing it again.

I'm afraid to express myself. I think to be able to express one's emotions easily is a gift one should treasure. It scares me, the way I'm feeling. I don't want to be just another girl, I guess. Why do I feel such fear when fear is my only enemy? There is so much that I want to pour out right now, but yet I don't feel like writing it down. This space is not so private anymore, not as what I once thought it was.

I always push people away. Once I sense that they can break me, I start distancing myself, or rather I shove them away. Most of the time I just clam up and refuse to talk. Why are the walls so hard to tear down? It's my problem. Always has been. And I think, there will come a day when that's gonna backfire and I will be left here with my guarded disposition, knowing full well that I just lost the person I care most about because of my inability to open up.

I do open up. But only to a certain extent. There are a lot of thoughts buried in my head that I yearn to share but I do not. I hold back because I don't want to seem desperate. Maybe because the first one who falls in love loses. And I don't want to lose my heart just like that. I'm scared to care about someone. I figure it's better to preserve what I have right now than to lay it all out for anyone to trample on.

I'm worried. Not on my part. I built my plans around one person and now that he is gone, I have no sense of where to go. No sense of belonging. That was me being naive. Right now at this moment, I'm starting to find my footing. I only hope I place my feet on solid ground. That you can be my anchor. That you won't let me down. That you won't balk at all this pressure. That all this baggage won't scare you off. That's all I can do for now, hope. Because I don't have a right to ask.

We should be lovers, and that's a fact.

I've come to realize that you matter to me.

More than I care to admit.

And that's an oddly comforting, but frightening thought.

Exclamation marks make such difference!!

2010-05-25T01:38:00.005+01:00

I think this is the first time I made it for breakfast since..... February.

God I'm such a pig!

Ah, good mood good mood goooood mooooooood.

I have this uncontrollable urge to just laugh and laugh....

Think it's the lack of sleep.

I should head to bed, but I'm busy stalking...

I don't make sense cause my sentences are jumping from here to there.

Katy Perry sounds so good!

My table is so messy!

My clothes are everywhere!

Smiling is good!

The air purifier in my room is helping with my sinus!

Gypsy by Shakira is playing!

My dog smells so good!

My hair is in a plait!

You look good in aviator shades!

Bubbles!

I'm reminded of exams all of a sudden..... crap.

Ahhhh crap.

Wantan mee!

Haha okay nevermind, god Jamie you're such a kid.

Along for the ride.

2010-05-24T19:46:00.005+01:00

Today is a good day.

Tonight was a good night.

Actually I shouldn't be using past tense.

It still is a good night!

I'm still smiling.

Especially now hahahahahaha.

Gypsy by Shakira makes me smile when I'm listening to it.

I cannot concentrate.

2010-05-24T13:49:00.002+01:00

Why is it that I seem to always want to find solace in the cinema?

Is it the darkness?

Or the fact that I'm surrounded by people so for two hours in my state of mind I don't feel so alone?

Facial mutilation!

2010-05-24T12:58:00.004+01:00

Men are such dogs.

Hurt her one more time you're gonna pay.

Actually, no.

You're gonna pay this time.

Dearly, too.

Argh I'm so so so pissed right now.

I'm lazy, and so I surf the net.

2010-05-24T12:36:00.003+01:00

Therefore I give you this: 7 Traits of Irresistible Men.

1. He Has Mastered The Wink.

We don't know how they learn the technique but some guys really have the Richard Gere wink down pat. There's an art to this wink and getting it right can be tricky. It's more suave and smoky than cheeky and laughable. He's comfortable giving this signal and has the timing to the tee. Done right, this move is pure sexy. Caveat: The wink can be tricky to pull off. Practice first.

2. He Radiates Calm.

It's sending shivers up our spine just thinking about how powerful a man's calm presence can be. Neurotic or hyper or frenzied is stressful, no matter how busy the man or what his excuse. But if he's got cool written all over his face and his gaze is pure steady and peaceful his sex appeal will shoot through the roof (think old-school James Dean). We women can unwillingly fall into the trap of over-worrying about things we can't control. A man who sets us at ease by reminding us how things always manage to work out in the end is absolutely hot.

3. He Takes Care Of Himself.

Look, we're not saying it's a certain height or build that matters. If he keeps his body in relatively good shape this shows us he knows how to take care of himself. It also clues us in that he sets health as a priority. What's more, if he's active, working out even a few times a week, the endorphins his body is producing during gym sessions are sure to keep him in good spirits and energized. The bottom line: If he takes good care of himself he's likely to take good care of his partner (or at least help keep her motivated to do so). That's a turn-on.

4. He's Got Style.

We don't want to give the wrong idea here. This is not to say he has to be one certain type of style, and that mimicking a prescribed "it" style is a surefire path to sexy (whether that's clean-cut, tattooed-up or punked-out). Not at all. Rather, what's attractive in a guy is that he has a style at all, a way of dressing that reflects in some way who he is and what he's into. A guy who wakes up hum-drum and throws the same dingy shirt and pair of jeans on every day? Not sexy. At all.

5. He Has A Manly Scent.

Sounds so animalistic, we know. No man can control his natural scent, and it turns out our DNA compatibility dictates who smells good to us, anyway. But, every guy can augment his essence with a spritz (one will do just fine) of cologne. As long as it's not overdone, a man with a strong scent has the potential to drive women wild.

6. He Is Affectionate.

Though we women try not to let on, affection (be it an arm around the shoulder or hand on the leg) lights us up like fireflies. Consider it your secret weapon. By affection, we do mean to include expressing your feelings through words, such as "I love you." It's amazing how many hot men fall short of sexy just for lack of articulating and showing their love. Let's put it this way: There are guys who reach out to their partner while driving, and there are guys who keep both hands on the wheel and eyes straight ahead. The lads of the former group qualify for sexy.

7. He Laughs Loud, Hard, Often.

No news flash here. Comedy is highly enticing. It's worth noting though that there are different types of humor. The insecure comedy that's based on putting others down or calling them names doesn't gibe with us. But give us fun-loving, belly-jiggling jokes and laughter and you'll head straight to the top of the sexiness charts.

Irresistible?

Maybe so, maybe not. ;)

All I know right now is that Shakira is irresistible to me.

MP, WHY ARE YOU SO STINGY WITH MARKS!

2010-05-24T07:57:00.004+01:00

29 out of 60 is not good for assessment marks at all.

I'M SO GOING TO DIE FOR THE PAPER.

STUPID LEGAL PRACTICE.

NOW I HAVE TO PUT IN EXTRA HARD WORK.

Last year I had the feeling that I'm going to fail Constitutional Law.

I failed LMS instead. Stupid Lord Woolf.

This year I have the feeling I'm gonna have to repeat Year Two.

I do not like this feeling.

Aiyo, study Jamie, study.

Sleepyhead

2010-05-23T21:54:00.002+01:00

I wonder how fast it takes for someone to fall asleep....

I have a hunch I'm feeling pretty dumb now.

Why is it so hard to figure out what I'm feeling?!

3 hours.

2010-05-23T05:14:00.002+01:00

I'm going backkkkkkkkkkk.

I can't wait.

I can smellllllll my dog now.

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

2010-05-22T13:20:00.004+01:00

I've been feeling detached the whole day.

Got no idea why.

As usual as it is with me, I don't know what I'm feeling, cause I block everything out and lock everything away.

According to Sher Lin, who reads me like a book, I avoid every bad feeling I get after confronting it for just a few seconds.

Didn't talk much during lunch, didn't talk much during the stayover.

Got back to my hostel room, attempted to sleep it off, woke up and realize it didn't work because I didn't feel much like talking to my roommate either.

I wish I know what's causing this.

I don't.

I chalk it up to that damn movie I watched.

Or maybe it was that silent breakdown that occurred this morning while Sher was sleeping and Amanda was in the bathroom.

I think it's stress.

But if I really, really dig deep, I don't think it's stress at all.

I wish I can go home.

I want my dog.

Broken strings.

2010-05-20T22:15:00.001+01:00

How does it feel?

Shitty. It feels shitty.

Words fail me.

Why hy hy I lay my heart down on the floooor.

2010-05-19T14:27:00.003+01:00

In two hours and a half's time, happy birthday to me!

Hello Jamie, you're now twenty two years old.

I'll be spending the eve of my birthday in my room, eating cake and chugging down red bull.

And then I'll be spending my birthday in the library studying!

Sounds exciting.

Like someone said, "birthdays come and go each year, finals only come once."

I hate that person....

The best time to give birth to your baby is in the month of December or January, I believe.

Maybe I should just give myself a birthday treat and chuck the books aside and curl up in my bed with a good book.

Gonna wish my roommate on the dot of twelve midnight as well, since we share the same birthday.

I'm alone, but not really THAT alone?

I don't know how to put that into words.

But my heart feels as though it's somewhere else and my physical being is here.

I choose this. I am contented. And happy.

Happy 22nd birthday in a while, please act your age Jamie.

You're young at heart. But sometimes, please be wiser.

Three weeks is supposedly enough...

2010-05-17T18:03:00.003+01:00

I CANNOT HANDLE STRESS.

I'M NOT A GOOD STRESS HANDLER.

STRESS IS NOT GOOD WHEN IT COMES TO ME.

I SHOULD NEVER BE STRESSED OUT.

ANY ONE WHO TELLS YOU PROCRASTINATION IS THE KEY IS BULLSHITTING YOU.

Couch potato

2010-05-17T15:57:00.003+01:00

I think I miss Penang.

I have a feeling these twenty one days and a week after that will be so trying.

Why is it so hard to put thoughts into words?

If I ask nice, can I take you home with me?

2010-05-14T22:04:00.003+01:00

"He's not just a guy who wants me for sex, or he has yet to show that anyway. He's kind and cute and funny and he's everything i look for in a guy. I don't know what it is, but he makes me feel like I'm in fourth grade with the biggest crush. My heart actually feels happy again and he makes me smile. I'm not in love with him, not even close. I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we'll talk for another week, or months, or years. I don't know if we'll end up together in the future or if it's just a crush. I have no idea whatsoever. But this is what i do know. You're not on my mind nearly as much. I don't get that empty feeling when i think of you. I don't miss you all that much. The sad places that remind me of you, are slowly just becoming places. Your flaws are standing out more than your good traits. And i feel. I feel again. I feel like maybe, just maybe, i could love someone more than you. I'm not scared to live anymore, I'm not so scared to love."

I think that pretty much sums it up.

I'm not that extreme though, honestly.

Arithmetic

2010-05-14T21:00:00.005+01:00

Feelings come, and then they go.
Mine stayed. For such a long time.

So yes, I had my first crush when I was nine. He was wonderful. Dorky, shy, and had nerdy hair. I still carry around the memory of the first time I saw him. It wasn't what they always said love at first sight would be. There wasn't fireworks, or a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. There wasn't even a thumping of heart. It was just a glance. But little would I know that image was gonna stay imprinted in my mind for so many years to come. We never talk; hardly. It was exactly how the magic of first love can be depicted, I believe. I look forward to each and every day of school. That's always how it was back in those days for me. I would go to school with a sense of high, and come back with a higher high. The rest of my day would go pass with me feeding on that euphoric feeling. And I'll be given a daily dose of that. I was awkward around him. I couldn't speak. Words can't be formed coherently when he was around. I understood what it felt like to blush and be teased about it. We shared a little 'eclipse' moment together, we shared glances... ah yes, we had our moments. Childish innocence, it was perfect. Years passed, and I felt the same about him. Emotions ran deeper, and feelings increased. We never used to talk much, but when we finally got over the phase of stuttering we fell into comfortable chatter. It was as if I've known him forever. I know when he threw up his hands in a certain manner a certain exclamation will follow after that. I know that when he's extremely tired his lower lip will protrude. When his mouth twitches a certain way he's trying very hard to not laugh. When he smacks his hand together after hearing a joke, a laugh that sounds more like a sneeze will follow. I found out that if he is silent when driving he's lost in his thoughts. All it takes for him to spill them is for me to put my hands in his and squeeze it gently. I learned that he is tolerant and extremely patient with my indecisiveness. Sometimes he would know what I want before I could even reach my decision. I realized that he lets me whine because he knows I'd be fine after fifteen minutes of whining. I found out my temper hardly ever flares up around him because most of the time I'm laughing. And even if it does, he knows just how to calm me down. I glow around him. I felt better, was better. It felt.... right.

So here I am, at age twenty two, and nothing much seem to have changed.

I miss you when something really good happens, because you're the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you're the only one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you're the one who makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lie awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other, for those were some of the best memorable times of my life.

It didn't make me feel good, knowing that I've hurt some with all these memories that I hold. But hey, I did try. And I tried my hardest, believe me. But maybe sometimes the heart wants what it wants, and maybe my heart wants to remember. Maybe my head is afraid of letting go for fear that all those memories will go with it. Or it could be that my heart is scared of opening up once again just to let in new experiences, because who knows, they might end up being memories too. But it's when I feel like breaking and when my heart keeps waiting, that's when I know I have to let you go.

This marks the first of me realizing that my feelings that were once so strong are now slowly fading. The memories do not come back as strongly as they once did. They do not enveloped me with nostalgia as they once did. Comparisons are easily done once I had a taste of perfection. But these days I do not compare anymore. Maybe cause now I see he wasn't perfection. He was merely my idea of perfection. It's slipping away, and I guess I'm letting it. I'm making room in this crowded space I call my heart. I hope it's permanent though. Wouldn't want this to be on a whim, all because I had my moment of clarity for a few hours. I'm hopeful.

Five stages of grief.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

They look different on all of us. But there's always five.

Feels good to be at the last stage.

Feels good to be moving on. At last.

Again, I'm hopeful.

And I have shitty grammar.

TwentyFour

2010-05-13T16:13:00.002+01:00

I have exams stress to deal with.

I do not need a guilt trip.

If you're here to give me that, I suggest we don't talk at all.

Switchfoot at four in the morning.

2010-05-12T21:08:00.001+01:00

I could use a fresh beginning too, all of my regrets are nothing new.

I never thought that I could fall like that, never thought I could hurt this bad.

Panic

2010-05-12T18:18:00.000+01:00

I have 24 days left.

This is not funny anymore.

Some days I feel like shit. Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit.

2010-05-10T15:10:00.005+01:00

Stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stresssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Fuck my emotions.

For the record.

2010-05-08T21:14:00.002+01:00

I got voted girl with crazy eyes today by both Amardeep and Ajay.

Thanks guys, thanks.

If you don't know what that means, you're dumb.

Basically they're saying I'm psycho.

Why does that stick??

Who knew.

2010-05-08T18:19:00.002+01:00

I don't think I'm the kind to forgive and forget.

Gah, why do I hold on to grudges so?

No matter, I'm gonna go get my ice cream fix now.

Thank goodness for 24/7 McDonalds.

It's only a bump in the road.

2010-05-07T15:18:00.003+01:00

People are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out.

I've put it on hold once, I wonder if I can do it again.

I thought I was over it. I wasn't. Or am I?

I thought it wouldn't hurt.

It did.

Maybe I don't want to do better.

But then again, maybe I'm not thinking straight.

I wait. That's all I do.

Or so it seems.

Easy on the eyes, hard on the heart.

2010-05-05T21:25:00.005+01:00

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way."

(Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities)

I sat there and felt wave after wave of an overwhelming sense of want crash over me. One second I was in pieces, one second I was whole. I feel, and then I don't. My mind was blissfully overcome with happiness, and the next, blank and bleak, like an empty, starless, pitch black sky in the night. My heart pounded, I can hear the blood rushing in my ears, it was so loud, the beat frantic. My breath catch, I could feel the onset of a sob rising in my throat. The tears were burning at the back of my eyes, threatening to spill forth. It was akin to water from a dam struggling to gush into a dry desert. The violence felt was colossal.

"No."

The tone was sharp. Distinct. I can hear the warning contained in that one single syllable. I don't stand a chance. I clutch at the last of my diminishing emotions, desperate to feel that spark again. It was a futile attempt. I was back where I belong, right back at the start. I was afraid to look into his eyes. For mine were dead, void of feeling, yet filled with contempt.

"And you think it's going to be easy. Hah."

That note of derision echoed. I blinked. Once, twice, maybe thrice. How naive of me, to think that blinking helps with the easing of feelings. I thrashed against the iron bands encasing that stone of a heart; the bands held fast, they did not budge. They are stubborn, as is my very being. Slowly but surely, the waves receded, the tears were no longer burning, my heart no longer had that frantic beat, and the finality of everything going back to how it was sank like a stone.

I was numb. I am shattered, but yet in my brokenness I am whole. My mind has a heart of its own. My mind speaks to me. My heart whispers. I plant a soft kiss on the forehead, breathing in the scent of hair. Oh, it aches. Or does it? I no longer have certainty, for my head is betraying what my heart feels. I feel the fight in me leaving. My senses have abandoned me.

"Stick to your initial resolve."

I am my head. I am my heart. I can never be without the other. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I am expected to be tough as nails and warm as toast at the same time. My heart feels too much, it dulls out everything else. It asks for too much, no one can deliver. It has expectations, and that will only meet with disappointment and pain. The emotions cheat me of so much. I feel my sigh of resignation. I feel the raging storm in me becoming calm. I feel my own casket.

I don't hesitate. I embrace my head.

And it's all drawn out, there's nothing inside

And nothing to hold, nothing to find

It's wearing me out, this feeling inside

I'm all drawn out.

I've been stalking.

2010-05-04T11:42:00.003+01:00

She'll look so good in that dress.

Damnit I'm so gay.

I really don't like exams.

2010-05-03T19:59:00.007+01:00

Fucking land law.

Trustees, beneficiaries, leasehold, freehold, TOLATA 1996........

What the hell, should've just accepted the offer from the University of Melbourne when I first got it instead of taking into account every other factor.

I could be happily doing Arts now, but no, Jamie Loo, you damn retard, you had to follow your emotions and where did it lead you? Down this path where you hold in your hands Riddall's Land Law and in your head, nothing.

I think my mum said "Please make sure you get 60%, your goal in life is to not disappoint me" for the 100th time today. Of course, that's the least of all that she has to say.

I'm so stressed out right now one more line like that will split my head open like how Robert Downey Jr. blast that watermelon into pieces in Iron Man 2.

Oh yes, I've watched it.

Two hours of not stressing. I like it.

Scarlett is so hot in that movie. I think she's worth the extra bucks.

I effing hate co-ownership.

And it's supposedly the easiest chapter.

What. The. Hell.

Constant Change

Set the dreamer in me adrift, I don't plan to come down anytime soon.

Surfacing

Faux O

Just carry me home tonight.

Sogno

fucking spectacular

I pimp my nights up by grooving to my ipod with my headphones on at full blast.

9ºC

Being impersonal will come back to bite me one day...

Back to you

So pick me, my leap of faith.

Having someone in your life all the time, more trouble than it's worth.

Now that my light is shining bright, I'd like to see you snuff my worth out.

Bipolar

Cautioner

Endlessly

Why does it feel like we're slow dancing in a burning room?

Endlessly

273

I need to inject some colour into my wardrobe...

Alright, how about this.

77...

just a feeling

32mg/100ml

Literature is my Utopia

Cardboard Food.

You think I'm weak, I'm gonna prove you wrong.

Spoon-feed me, spoon-feed me!

For truth, for love, for my desire...

Wattage

Powww

Tempest

你选择留， 我选择走

Nigga don't hate

Footnote this.

May day.

I just got to say this..

White noise.

Maybe it's cause I like the way it hurts.

Sober.

I can't find a flight, but if I can, will you be here with me tonight?

slipped away

Erosion

Oh, raindrops keep falling on my head!

Oh, this song is gooooood.

Goodbye Year Two!

I got rejecteddddddd

wth

Burn.

So teach me how to fall to my knees, how to bow to Your plan.

Zeta Geminorum

Woohoo!

WHY GERMANY WHY?!

There it goes.

Boy meets girl

Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright.

ctrl+alt+delete

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.

I need a novel.

....

I'll be a scar now.

Right now I feel like Summer Finn.

I could just be a ping pong ball.

2 down!

Land paper was shite.

It's all about how the fabric feels on the skin, me thinks.

I need a smarter brain...

Too long.

I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other people's fingers.

More and beyond.

Time, can you please stop for me?

THIS IS KILLING ME

I've got a heart of glass...

Here with me.

Exclamation marks make such difference!!

Along for the ride.

I cannot concentrate.

Facial mutilation!

I'm lazy, and so I surf the net.

你选择留，我选择走