tick of the clock

2 months and counting and I'm still grieving. Fml I want you back so bad it hurts.

I think I actually backtracked and went back to the stage of anger. I can't help but feel angry at God that He took the one person I love so much away from me. He was my baby. Mine. You could at least have allowed me to say my goodbyes.

I don't deal very well with loss, do I?
Now I want to go back to the kitchen and bake my third batch of cookies. Any opportunity to take my mind off this, give it to me, I'll take it.

Brown Eyes.

I am not in a good place.

I am very much inclined to feel that after my December holiday, I am over what I've been so stuck on for the past years. Well, or that the process is moving on swiftly.

Five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Let's start with denial shall we?

I received the news and cried my eyes out for 30 minutes. The next 20 minutes goes towards reconstructing my smeared eyeliner and mascara. An hour after receiving the news I'm on my way to the city to catch a movie. You would think the movie would be seared into my mind. No, it's not. Now I have to consult my ipad to jog my memory. Ah yes, it was MI:4. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a rating of 93%. I wouldn't disagree, the movie pretty much was devoured by my eyes and my brain had numerous exclamations of 'my my, Tom Cruise works wonders as Ethan Hawke.' You know the human cerebral cortex plays a key role in attention, memory, perceptual awareness, thought, language, and consciousness? Amazing gray matter, that. That same gray matter of mine pretty much operated on autopilot that day. Besides thinking that it was a good action flick, I did not register anything else. Two hours after the movie ended, I took the bus back to campus in silence, cooked my dinner in silence, ate in silence, and when the night finally became silent, I opened a new box of tissues and cried my eyes out again. I only stopped occasionally because I had to breathe, and I was crying so hard it was a struggle to suck oxygen in. Denial's a bitch.

Moving on to anger...

I demanded for my mum to get back to the vet and reclaim his ashes. They cremated him and did not bother taking the ashes, can you believe it?! My mum said she just could not take it, since my parents had to bury my uncle 3 days after that. Basically it was a futile attempt, I'm never gonna get his remains back. I know it, my mum knows it, and I know she knows I know it. You know what's ugly about anger over a loss? It's accusing someone crying that she does not care enough while wiping away your own tears. Some part of me is still angry. But my denial and anger is meeting each other halfway, thus resulting in some form of understanding.

I skipped the bargaining stage. 

He's gone even before I could strike a bargain and sell my soul for it. Come to think of it, I probably would. Sell my soul I mean. Most days I feel like an empty shell, like an oyster having its flesh sucked out by a greedy bastard and tossed aside on an ever growing pile of hollow shells. I supposed it will pass, but hey, still waiting on that day to come around.

I probably am stuck here now at the fourth stage.

Oh hello, Depression, how you doing? Good, me too, just decided to pop back in since I missed your company so. Do you know I tried to bring in my semi-automatic pistol on my way in, but your minions Hopelessness and Regret frisked me and took it away from me before sending me in. I thought of doing the world a good deed and do you in, but what can I say, you train them well. You coached them well in infecting people with your depressive concoction too. I guess I'm here to stay for a while. No no, I don't plan on making myself comfortable, thank you very much, I'll be on my way soon. Gotta catch that meeting with Acceptance, you see. Next time I'll just visit you with a coat full of grenades eh? Whaddya say?

Well well well... who knew that after moving on from a struggle another is to take its place? The irony makes me laugh.

I don't call you my favourite boy for nothing. If there is something or someone I'll love unconditionally for as long as I can, you will be it. 8 years is too fast. Heck, even with 80 it will still be too soon. This void ain't gonna be filled up anytime soon. Be honoured. Cause with having you in my life, I am.

Floating on synthesizer anthem-filled clouds

This crush on Ryan Gosling is getting to be so ridiculous.
I am too old to be harbouring a school girl crush!!
Drive is by far one of the best movies I've ever seen.
The dialogue is scarce, but the movie delivers gut punches that leaves you breathless and wanting more.
And the soundtrack? It's been on repeat the whole day, and it's like an ongoing eargasm.


"I don't eat. I don't sleep. I do nothing but think of you."


Yeah, I probably have a weakness for the quiet, emotionally distant types.

Set the dreamer in me adrift, I don't plan to come down anytime soon.

I do not know what I'm feeling. I'm all choked up with emotions and I cannot piece them all in words. Is it possible to feel numb and for there to be a fire burning inside you at the same time? I do not know, I am beyond the ability to comprehend right now. It's like being given a dose of anaesthesia before having acid splashed on you. You may well call that torture. I think I'd very much like to see it as rude awakening. The excruciating pain throbs. Yet somewhere within pleasure sparked. I have spiralled so low, that speck of light above me is fast fading into a non-existent dot. We believe that we could change ourselves, our past be undone. Pooh, what naivety.


It was never your fault. The fault was all mine. Mine for falling. Mine for believing. Mine in messing it up. At the end of it all, if I am to be doused with the harsh truth, I only have myself to blame for habouring such intense emotions, for salvaging whatever's left of the embers from the flickering fire, for willing hope to pump though my veins and revive this almost wasted organ concealed behind my left ribcage. If one day, I am to look up with feigned happiness and wish you well, I hold no right to curse you inwardly. If one day I am to take the blows and suffer the bruises, and nurse the wound that will never heal, am I at liberty to beg on my knees for the same to befall you? The freedom to do so would be  within reach if you were mine for the taking from the beginning. Oh, to realize finally that I have been cheated so cunningly by none other than my own conscience. The knife that pierces draws most blood when it comes from your own hand, does it not?


The winter is cold. Bitter. The chill lasts to the bone. Yet December is long gone. Sigh...


The flames flicker. Indescribable, indestructible, unwavering, immense, colossal, incredible. They all translate to one emotion; it's too big for my body to hold. It stretches out away from me, floating into the evening sky and up into the starlit heavens. I will find the answer within me someday, for now I let it go. I still have time to falter. There will be no relinquishing on my part, I refuse to surrender.


Don't forgo. Take heart.
Don't forgo. Take heart.
Don't forgo. Take heart.

Surfacing

I clawed my way back.


Now bit by bit, you're killing me.
Welcome to my abyss.

Faux O

I lay there on the bed; not on my side, but on my back.
Moonlight flitted through a slit in the curtains. It played across my midriff.
A solitary tear rolled down the side of my face, trailing all the way to the soft pillow, which absorbed its salty contents.


I was seconds away from losing myself, but you walked away.
I still can't figure out if it's something I should regret, or something I ought to be thankful for.
Why do I care? It was ages ago.


Thinking back... I doubt it was all ever fake for me.
Somewhere beneath all those buried emotions, there was something real.
Something that was enough for me to want to be engulf by vulnerability, and for it to be swept away.

Just carry me home tonight.

I don't know how to deal with this pain.


You're something like my form of lifeline.
You smelled like home.
You're still my desktop background.


Today I saw posters of goldens in one of the shops in the city, and I had to avert my eyes.
8 years is much too soon.


I still want to kiss you.
To be able to give your coat a good brush.
To have you splatter water and soap suds all over me after I finish lathering you up.
To hear your paws clicking on the staircase as you come up the stairs and your tail thumping outside my bedroom door, demanding to be let in during a thunderstorm.
To have you huddled up next to me on the bed after I had a nightmare.
In my mind I see you running along the beach, tongue hanging out in ecstatic joy, panting away as you sniff inquisitively at everything.


This sea of memories is just too much to take in right now.


You took a piece of my heart when you clambered over to me in 2003 and had it with you since.
Guard it loyally and fiercely, will you? For it will always be yours.
For every bad day that I've told you about, for all the times I've sat beside you in tears, for those times I've ran and hugged you in joy, for those times I've yelled at you to shut the hell up when you're barking at monkeys, for the times I've barked alongside you in good fun, for the rare moments when you would touch your nose to mine when I'm talking to you, those times when you would sit and beg me with those lovely gorgeous eyes of yours for food, I've loved you. I continue to do so even now.


My precious, darling, baby boy. I have never given my heart so much and so freely to someone that I couldn't stand losing. I would give anything, absolutely everything, to have one more day with you. One last opportunity to hold you, to whisper in your ears my dreams, and hopes, and sorrows.


You always take away any sadness I feel. Any aches, and pains.
I won't have that starting from now, but I am so glad that I always had that privilege.


You have always been my baby, even after you ceased being a puppy.
This love for you will never fade. You saw me through my toughest teenage years, and was there for me with every wag of your tail. I will miss your absence so, so very much. I hope you know that in your little puppy heart wherever you are.


I know it takes time for a cracked heart to heal, but for tonight, I'll sleep with a broken heart.

Sogno

Yes.

The answer is yes.
Forever yes. And always will be.
In whatever season, age, or place; yes, indefinitely.

If you ever ask,
You know I'll be yours.

fucking spectacular

Jamie Foxx's voice so smooth it's akin to dripping honey.
No idea why it made me think of single malt whiskey on ice against my tongue, swirling around in my mouth, gliding down my esophagus, lubricating my throat and quenching my thirst in the most satisfying manner possible.

I'm so addicted to this song, I could get drunk on it.

I pimp my nights up by grooving to my ipod with my headphones on at full blast.

Fuck you, Mark Zuckerberg.

I used to think it's my endless seminars and all the reading I have to do that's holding me back from crawling into bed, dead beat and exhausted at the end of the day, and staying there for good till the sun makes a full turn and show its face again.
Tonight I was hit with a revelation.
It's Facebook that's causing the worsening condition of my eye bags.

Hence the profanity directed at the founder of it.

Spell check just autocorrect facebook to Facebook. I googled it.
Damn Zuckerberg, you good. Not only have you made stalking a social thing, you've also integrated Facebook into the English Dictionary.

Grenade is such a stupid song. Catchy, but retarded.
Who the hell would want to take a bullet straight to the brain for someone who wouldn't do the same?!

Now Wet featuring Snoop Dogg by David Guetta isn't half as bad.
Fine, sleazy lyrics, but at least it makes sense.
I mean, c'mon, you would want to be able to make a girl wet, wouldn't you?
You'd be a failure if you can't. cocks head, stops for a beat. Alright I'm joking, there's more to life than meaningless sex.

There should be a flow to this, but at this point, I really don't give a rat's ass about it.

Sigh, interim injunctions, why can't you just type yourself out on my mac.